i've lost my taste for modern things.
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Thursday, November 23, 2006
well, it's thanksgiving. i'm on long island. ryan is in new jersey. ryan is on long island. kendra is in california. sharon is in the city. alfie is in westchester. i love that the holidays give everyone somewhere else to go. some sort of escape from our prospective corners of new york city. what i hate though, is the scattering. if i could be alone with everyone i know, i think i'd be a little closer to being content. i hate that holidays mean familial obligation. i hate feeling like i'm here because i have to be here. i don't want to be here. i want to see my family, of course, but i wouldn't mind an hour long exchange at a cafe somewhere.
i am not mean, or hateful. i don't not want to see my family, ever. i don't fell anything bad or negative towards them. i'm just... i feel trapped. and i decided to myself over a year ago that i wouldn't let this island trap me anymore. i realized not too long ago that my efforts to get gone and stay gone were way less about independence and way more about dependendance than i had previously thought. and while i can assure you, i left on the best of terms. i never drove off of long island, nor did i ever walk away. i ran. i ran away from this place because it represents so many things i don't like about myself.
i feel like it's taken me 1 year+ of not being here to realize more of who i am, and at 23 i'd say it's about time i got on track. and i know, i'll never really know who i am until i'm done living (we all saw the rules of attraction). but regardless, returning here completely dissolves any defenses i've manufactured and it leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable. being here reminds me of old times, of course. both good and bad. it reminds me of the repression that we suburbanites know all too well. and i could tell you all a tale of a thanksgiving you'd never forget, complete with knives, 911 calls, and divorce papers being served. i remember this, and i see everyone here, calmly smiling at one another, anger brewing beneath their skin as they talk to one another as though the past was just a dream. and it makes me want to shut up. shut off. left to fend off these wolves in lord & taylor clothing with hardly a weapon aside from my skin. and as thick as it is, nothing seeps through your pores quicker than close family. it's like cuddling close with arsenic and letting it slip you the tongue. only not. because that's incest.
that said.
i'm glad to be here.
and with that i take my leave.
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Hmmm... it's hard to say what exactly I'm feeling right now.
Though a good deal of it is relief. I feel like things are looking up.
I'm homeless, I know. But I'm working hard, and often. I have a bunch of offers for places to live. I think me and Ryan are slowly, but surely, mending our broken relationship and celebrating the best friendship that we have. MY boyfriend is more than supportive of me, I can't even put it into words.
I love my friends. No, really, I love my friends. None of this Kyle doesn't like us, Kyle is being selfish, Kyle is only hanging out with his boyfriend business. I had some things to assess, I had a life to work through. I had BIG changes coming at me one after the other. And I needed safety. I found it. I'm at a point now where I'm ready to reach out again. Go out again. Get drunk again. Hang out again. Just because I wasn't around doesn't mean I was turning my back on any friendships, and it didn't mean I don't love my friends either. Because I do, very much so. I just needed my time.
And I got it.
And I feel like now that gaytown has dissolved a huge burden has been lifted off of my shoulders.
I feel like I live in NYC now. Not just around it like I always felt before.
It's strange that I feel at home more now that I don't have a house.
GOOD NEWS!
Me, Ryan, and Alfie all work within like, 5mins of each other. Coffe, lunch, dinner. It's going to happen.
<3
Thursday, July 27, 2006
5:30PM
so i found roommates.
unfortunately they won't need to find a place until october.
so my homelessness may last for two months. i am willing to stick it out so long as others can put up with me.
i'm excited to not live with strangers.
also, i'm going to model for my store next week?
working at the corporate office pays off.
sometimes things go wrong.
sometimes things look up.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
12:17PM
oh life.
so it's that time. come august 1st, gaytown will be dissolved. i'm sure a bunch of you have already read this as our livejournal friendship is ever so mutual, but regardless.
also come this august i find myself homeless.
believe it or not, trying to find a single room in nyc is a pretty hard thing to do. people tend to invite their friends to live with them whenever possible, or the landlords skip around and find a new tenant to fill a spot. so this upcoming month i find myself without a home. and i have no idea how people can do that; spend their days couch surfing. living from house-to-house. i don't know. it's overwhelming to me. i've never been without a place to keep my things before. it's weird. i feel helpless and vulnerable. i sort of feel like i'm being cheated, though i know i'm not. everyone else walking out of this apartment has a friend or a group of friends to join them when they go. but i'm at it alone. i feel weird being the one person to walk away from this house with nothing. and though i don't REALLY feel like i'm being cheated, i do feel as though i've been let down.
for whatever reasons plans made with friends never panned out. they were never more than just words for them, though they were actual plans for me. i was counting on things. hoping for a development. but unfortunately i mistook pander for plans, and i've ended up empty handed. i should have figured.
that said, in tune with the other tenants of 235 montrose, i feel like the entire last year was a wash. we lived it all wrong. some things shouldn't have happened, while other things should have. but they did or they didn't and now we're parting ways. i could go on and on about regrets and i could make promises to myself and others. but i won't - because i feel like once we're out of here things will be different. better? i think so. fixed? probably not. more comfortable? i hope so. and i think that sounds a bit harsh, like i'm running out on my family and counting on distance to make our hearts grow fonder. but that certainly isn't the case. i'm trying to make it out of here without crying myself to sleep/awake every night/morning. which is the reason behind my recent distance, though it certainly isn't an excuse nor is it an answer.
i know i'll miss seeing heather and jason every day. i know i'll miss our occasional prime time movie nights, jason singing at all hours of the day, heather's bizarre work stories. and us just being close. i know i'll miss every single thing about living with ryan, be it fights or laughs, movies or videogames. but i also know that if i stop to think about everything that's upsetting me i will implode. i've got no money, no house, and my closest friends are all fleeing in opposite directions. life.
although, i do feel as though our friendships will survive and be better for having been mangled by everything we should have said but didn't. and i feel like once we're not around one another all of the time it'll make it easier to call one another every other day and find out what's going on and how we're living our lives. and i think that will bring us back together. and maybe, a year from now, gaytown will be reassembled. or maybe, a year from now, we'll all be living in different states. but i dunno.
i'll be okay.
Friday, July 14, 2006
3:06PM
why is it so goddamn hard to find a place to live in new york city?? someone please explain this to me.
Saturday, July 8, 2006
3:52PM
sometimes i feel like this journal isn't private enough.
meh.
VIDEOGAMES!
i haven't posted anything on here in a while. i have things to say, but i don't have the emotional backing to say them.
i think.
why does livejournal sometimes feel like high school??
i have some housing prospects for august. hopefully i won't need to couch surf until september.
me and ryan leave for fire island in 11 days. that's 11 days too long, i need to get out of the city. i still think it's ridiculous/amazing that we're staying in the honeymoon suite. and speaking of which, i met ryan's family last weekend. it went so well. it's weird. i've never been in that sort of situation before. where i had to GO somewhere and be introduced to someone's parents. but like i said, it went so well. i liked all of them and they liked me. good times. i loved being in jersey, i need out of this city SO badly. should money/time things work out, me and ryan may find ourselves in canada, mass, vermont, or new hampshire. we'll see.
i hate that sometimes in order to move forward you have to review all of your mistakes. and i hate that sometimes hearts are used as tools in lessons that are learned.
whatever.
if you need a roommate, let me know.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i hate that being on the sidelines means being slapped in the face by the ripple effect. and that as simple as that, a friendship is redefined. new boudaries of trust are established. one closeness is shattered while another one blossoms. sometimes i wish that i could say the things that i know would kill. and i don't know why, still, after 23yrs i am shocked when a perspective flips, and does a 180ยบ turn in a fraction of a second. i no longer question my inability to change or my personal stagnancy; i now question the inability to stand steadfast as well as personal resolve in others.
words.
nothing more.
remember that time that i went from being poor and spending my every waking hour unemployed to working 40+hrs a week as a visual merchandiser for esprit? because i do.
i really like the new tilly and the wall.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
i wish time weren't a factor. i wish it was way easier to mend things than it is.
like words don't bleed through walls. orlike [totally one word. totally] i cant hear you from a million miles away.
marky hatch: le sigh.
so true.
you never, ever reazlie how bad things are until things are really, really good.
life!
ps. i have THREE jobs now. the stress of making the right decisions is about to do me in. i wake up at random times of night biting my fingernails. i've never bitten my fingernails before.
never.
i guess fast options are better than no options.
i wish i wasn't sitting here drinking these sparks alone.
at least i haven't had to correct any of my spelling yet.
the get up kids soothe me.
i miss my roommates.
i love my boyfriend.
i miss my friends.
i miss my best friend.
what is going on in my life? what?
i don't know.
i think that when you fall in love you're automatically fit with a pair of blinders. and that's just how it is.
those blinders turn you into an absentee.
into a missing roommate.
into a bad friend.
and you're to blame, of course.
because you spend those nights in love wondering how it's so possible for you to give all of yourself to someone.
and none of yourself to everyone else.
i guess it's the newness of new.
i am going to walk the streets of brooklyn with a sparks in my hand.
oh.
at one of my jobs, i'll be the assistant visual merchandiser for esprit.
the other, i'd be a department head for h&m.
and the final, and hardest [i'll explain later] option, is an assistant manager at ben sherman.
i'm making money. i'm working a lot. i'm turning into a real person again.
i'm scared.
oh, and i know i'm using [] inappropriately. but i've had a bit to drink. and [] really is prettier than (), don't you think.
also.
NICOLE! i know i'm in nylon. isn't that ridiculous? they totally misquoted me. i didn't say that mess.
hit me up on aim. we'll discuss this further.
sn: cautious descent.
&hearts
hahahahahaha. i said &hearts.
bye.
Current music: The Get Up Kids - Coming Clean
remember that time that me and my boyfriend are the gayest men you've ever met?
it's right now.
from july 19th-21st we're going to be staying in a hotel room on fire island.
gay old fire island.
in the honeymoon suite (every other room has twin beds)
in the middle of the GROVES.
gaygaygaygaygay.
gay.
Current music: New Order - Here to Stay
Thursday, June 15, 2006
i hate it that you can have feelings that are good, or bad about people. and they, in no way, shape, or form, dictate how you feel about/react to a person. but you feel them regardless.
it's so stupid and lame and blahblahblah. but whatever.
i intend no ill will toward others, as i know they intend no ill will toward me.
this is my livejournal, though. so of course the last thing i want is for someone to IM me as if they have just been attacked. because that obviously isn't even almost the case.
no way near the case!
sometimes i just feel things and i write about them.
that's all.
that's life.
i think i'm going to delete all of my posts from this journal tomorrow. and then i am going to start anew. yes. i think i will do that.
<3
Current mood: okay Current music: i'm watching smallville because i'm awesome.
Tuesday, June 6, 2006
3:06PM
hello dear livejournal.
life. life life life.
being unemployed has pretty much ruined my life.
and i can be chastized to no end. i know it already. i've put myself out there for at least 30 jobs. and the one that's actually gotten back to me and worked out (or is working out) wants me to completely alter my appearance for 10/hr and minimal hours a week. i'm doing it. but i'm not enjoying it.
every night that i go to sleep i dream about my entire mouth full of teeth falling out.
stress.
i was barely able to make my rent this month. i've got $12 left in the bank which isn't enough to buy a big enough metrocard to last me through the week, nor is it enough for me to buy enough food to make it through the week.
blahblahblah. it's the same complaint over and over again.
my parents aren't in a good spot as far as finances go, so being able to afford to help me out isn't an option right now. and it's getting serious. i mean, obviously it's serious. but once again, they've shut our cable off. and this time i don't really know how i'm going to set it right. and i can't help feeling like i am completely worthless at this point.
i've got the experience. and the drive. and i've been following up. i've been doing everything i should be doing to find a new job. and it's not working. and i don't get it.
today i go to temp agencies and call back the children's bookstore that called me and left me a message while i was interviewing at g-star.
we'll see if any of these places go anywhere.
and in spite of that. in spite of this terrible financial burden that's making me feel like i am incapable of being employed/worthless... i am being made to feel as though i'm being a horrible friend, and being somewhat publically humiliated for the sake of someone else's ego.
read into that what you may. i alone know what it means.
for those of you not in the know, i have a boyfriend and his name is ryan hill and he's amazing and supportive and caring, and there for me, and all of that other business. and i've been spending most of my time not at work or job hunting with him because he makes me feel like i am someone that he wants to be near. i don't get that feeling much anymore. least of which from where i got it the most. he makes me feel like i am one of a kind. if you know what i mean then you know what i mean. and that's a wonderful feeling.
because otherwise i feel like i'm totally replaceable. otherwise i feel like my superclose friendships don't exist. and i'm sorry if me saying that offends or hurts you to an extent. i'm just saying... you all know me, and how close i get to people. and how i'm horrible at keeping in contact with people. or how horrible i am at hanging out. and there was one exception to that rule. and that exception clearly isn't an option for me. and with that option gone i feel like the only person who wants, or even needs me around, being the irresponsible unemployed person that i am is ryan hill.
for some reason it's so hard for people to think that you can be unhappy while you're in a relationship. true, i am very much in love. and i am very happy with that. and i wouldn't even almost trade that for anything else in the world. but i'm short a best friend, some confidence, and the abillity to feel like i am not ruining everything i touch.
this is getting old.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
1:46PM
oh, and.
one of the jobs i thought i had just called me.
i don't have it. not right now, anyway.
awesome luck, right?
12:28PM
sometimes i am astounded at how ridiculous people can be.
i can say over and over and over again that i have no job. and since i have no job i have no money. yet... the same people continually invite me out to lunch, or dinner. or to drink, or party. they tell me about their wonderful job prospects, or their fabulous newfound wealth.
and still... i am unemployed. i have no money. i'd love to go out to lunch or dinner with you. i'd love to go out dancing or drinking. BUT I HAVE NO JOB AND I HAVE NO MONEY. i feel as though nobody but my roommates understand this. i am dangerously close to moving back to long island. and that is a fact. it's not me pretending to be afraid of some could-be drama that might occur. it's a reality. i'm pretty sure that once i leave this apartment i'll have to move back to long island for at least a month (unless i find someone's couch to crash on).
so when i tell you EVERY SINGLE DAY that i can't afford to travel. or eat out. or go out drinking. i'm being serious. i don't have parents who are willing to support me through and through. every extra month i spend here is an extra $600 my mother is expecting me to pay her back. SO while i'm trying to make my life work in nyc again, please remember that my funds are more than limited. and i would greatly appreciate people remembering that before they ask me. day after day. why it is i can't go out and do anything.
being unemployed for two months is not a good time. i promise you this.
and no amount of joy brought by newfound love can lift the burden of feeling worthless. i promise you that, too.
i am in the process of maybe working at two jobs.
we'll see.
Friday, May 19, 2006
7:25PM
being unemployed it starting to get to me. it's getting to me hardcore. i am currently terrified of the upcoming weeks.
my metrocard runs out tonight.
the only money i have left isn't even enough to buy a new one.
should i spend that money on any metrocard, i can't afford to eat.
speaking of eating, i've slowed my eating down to two meals a day.
i know/hope that if i don't find a job in the next week, my parents will cover this upcoming month for me. and then expect me to move back home at the end of june. no questions asked.
thank god i have ryan (pfluger) around to buy me the occasional slice(s) of pizza and cover the occasional bill.
and thank god i have my boyfriend around to insist on paying for everything we do/eat while i'm unemployed.
i have so much retail experience it's ridiculous.
someone fucking hire me already.
i've been handing out resumes/filling out applications/replying to craigslist ads for over a month.
what am i doing wrong?
remember that time a bunch of us went out to dinner and i didn't eat anything?
oh yeah, that's right. that's tonight.
life sure is fantastic.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
7:12PM
i like him so much.
so much.
Current mood: good Current music: the like - the one
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
8:13PM
i need to make a post.
a big post.
i am going to clean a little.
and then.
big post.
Monday, May 8, 2006
1:48PM
For every girl who is tired of acting weak when she is strong, there is a boy tired of appearing vulnerable.
For every boy who is burdened with the constant expectation of knowing everything, there is a girl tired of people not trusting her intelligence.
For every girl who is tired of being called over-sensitive, there is a boy who fears to be gentle, to weep.
For every boy whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity, there is a girl called unfeminine when she competes.
For every girl who throws out her easy bake oven, there is a boy who wishes to find one.
For every boy struggling not to let advertising dictate his desires, there is a girl facing the ad industry's attacks on her self-esteem.
For every girl who takes a step toward her liberation, there is a boy who finds the way to freedom a little easier.
i know we've all read/seen this a thousand and one times. but when i woke up this morning to kisses on my shoulder blades. my vision unblurred and i couldn't help but think of... the heather kelly, jason vanderbeck, ryan pfluger, megan moore, jaime jurtz, bruce russo, ali burt, who make/made my life as comfortable as it is now. i'm so happy. for so many reasons. i'm going.
i'm happy.
i'm going.
xoxo
Current mood: good Current music: the like - bridge to nowhere
Friday, May 5, 2006
8:08PM
sometimes, i'm so serious right now, i wish i wasn't gay. simply because of association. it really does only take a couple of faggots to live up to that shining faggot sterotype to ruin it for the rest of us.
oh well. such is life.
such is life.
Current mood: mildly disgusted Current music: tv
Thursday, May 4, 2006
11:51AM
so remember how i don't have anywhere to live for sure in the upcoming months? and remember how i don't know who i'm live with for sure, either. yeah. this could pose a big problem. i'm scared to death of ending up back at home on long island.
i've decided that i don't want to move further into brooklyn. i want to live closer to the manhattan. off of the l is fine. lorimer or bedford is preferred. when we go we go, and then we're gone. i have a desk and a computer and a tv that can't stay in this apartment if i'm gone. that knowledge in hand, it seems as if i'm almost definitely going to have to spend some time back on long island trying to figure my life out.
remember how i can't do that? because i do. i was on long island from 11pm-6am last night. and in those 7 short hours i felt more alone, awkward, and uncomfortable than i have in years. literally, years. so, while ryan is soundly sleeping next to me i am not-so-secretly worry my way to an ulcer. from every angle that i look at this i've got two options: live at home or hope things quickly remedy themselves.
this is weird, though. moving without my best friend is weird. i guess it's time to break out on my own, but i never wanted to do that. i thought that for better or worse or horrible it was a package deal. but that's life. and i know i'll figure it out. but goddamn. i never wanted to have to figure things out. i just wanted them to work.
remember how i'm terrified of moving to long island?
yeah. terrified.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
9:28AM
Ask me any six questions (or less), I'll answer all of them 100%
truthfully.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Then, copy this into
your journal, and see what others ask about you.
Current mood: tired Current music: too early for music
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